Tracing Back to Childhood

When things don't go the way I wanted them to be, it is extremely hard for me to internally recognize the true reality. I know for sure in a month time, I would be fine. But at the moment, the ego is such a strong influencer that I can't let go. "Keep the beautiful part of the story and Let go the part that's not as pretty." I learned this since I was 12, but it is definitely easier said than done.

I watched this movie Chef, thinking of distracting the confused and upset self with something fun to me. I was surprised to experience some flashbacks from my childhood. In the movie, the 10-yr-old kid Percy was always longing to be with his dad and is willing to do anything for his dad just so that he could be around his dad. That reminded me of how I am willing help him out with anything and bring his anything I thought he would like just so that I could be around him...then flashbacks from when I was 3 or 4 came to me where I was crying so hard everytime my mom leaves me to go to her night shift at the paper factory; or I would beg for my mom to walk me to my kindergarten even if it's not all the way...still remember walking along on the little path through the field, freaking out about the black box on top of this power pole...I must have accumulated a lot of fear of being alone back then. And the lack of attachment with my mom always has intensified my eager to attach to people that gives me a sense of belongingness and comfort and start treat them very very well. 

After rationalizing all that, I am even more confused about what love really is now. It seems like I need to resolve these personal issues before I would be able to have a fulfilling relationship that wouldn't be out of loneliness.

Thinking Out Loud

Really like Ed Sheeran's song: Thinking Out Loud. This one line draws me in every time:"people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe it's all part of a plan..." I strongly believe in "meant-to-be"s myself. Maybe that was why when someone insignificant suddenly enters my life through various different ways, I am always willing to open myself up to them. Sometimes, I almost get too involved too fast before I know it. Do I just have a strong desire to connect to the external environment or is it due to the theory of extroverts who gains energy from being around other people and they need to be constantly stimulated?

I always thought I was very good at understanding what is going on in other people's minds, but now I am stuck myself, wondering what is actually going on in my mind. I have the tendency to treat someone I care about very well and not expecting much back because making other people happy brings me happiness. As time goes by, I start to feel the imbalance in the relationship but at that point, the other person is already spoiled with my ultra-accommodating pattern of behaviour. The most sad part is that I am aware of this pattern and I know I don't want to keep getting myself into the same situation. However, it has told me that what I don't want is exactly what I am getting into every single time. Many of my girl friends wait for guys to work hard on getting them. When it comes to me, I work hard to impress and pursue guys I am interested in. The end result is that I would always be the one impressing others and my girl friends are always the ones to be impressed. It seems super unfair, but REALLY, I got myself into the situation. I am still not truly confident that I am worthy for someone else to work really hard to be able to get anything from me...Even though I hate to admit it, that is TRUE to some extent.

I desire attention and love from someone amazing, which was unconsciously the reason why I strive to improve myself in many aspects of my life...Now it seems that it was a wrong end(purpose) to begin with!

My relapse to the same pattern has been bothering me and confusing me for a while now...After thinking out loud, I think I got it: 

I have lived all my life trying to impress my family and live up to their expectations. I have a deeply-rooted mentality that only when I perform will I gain approval and respect from people I care about. But truly, if people truly love and care about me, even if I don't perform well, the love and care will still stay.

Learn to voice, even if it's "No", I've grown up.

Growing up, my culture and family education shaped me to be very submissive to my environment, which sometimes means being highly adaptive to changing environment, but other times means being lack of self-stance. I used to be attracted to people that have strong opinions towards things because I didn't possess that quality myself. Time proved that I was just not a confident individual that is comfortable enough to voice my thoughts, because I did have my own thoughts. Now, after being away from my Chinese culture and parents' close supervision for four years and after seeking and finding my way into the Financial industry, I am much more comfortable voicing my thoughts and thinkings. And knowing when to voice and what to voice became one of the strengths I have.

Being able to talk about what I think and being able to say "no" to people I care about are still different stories.

I grew to learn that whether it's friendship or romantic relationship, being able to say "no" actually contributes to strengthening the relationships Whenever we say "yes" to people with full willingness, we would enjoy the time no matter what happens. However, if the "yes" contains some unwillingness, even if it's a little bit, the whole experience would not be as enjoyable. In that case, saying "no" might save you time battling with your own feelings or regretting. After all, if the relationship is truly strong, then there should be no hard feelings on "no"s.

It is amazing to see myself saying no to many things that I would have said yes last year this time. I am proud to say that I've grown so much since then.

Clubbing: Flower vs Butterflies

Going clubbing is definitely something that's over-rated by mass young adults. I always wonder what all the probable reasons are that people would want to stand in line for hours and pay $20 cover to get in to clubs.
For me, dancing is such an enjoyable thing, I get satisfied dancing at the same spot all night after several drinks. However, in general there is always SOMETHING one is hunting for when they get into this dark loud chaotic environment. whether it is to have an eye feast of girls in short skirts, crop tops and high heels(or hot guys with muscles) or to potentially make out with someone cute, get their number and even hook up at some point.
Having been in a long distance relationship and going to clubs, I couldn't make out with anyone or give out my numbers what so ever, it could get pretty boring, ending up missing my boyfriend much more. If it was not the music and the dance floor, I would definitely pass. Meanwhile, having been in this situation gave me a new perspective- I was calm enough to be extra-observant and highly aware of the dynamics in my environment...I could sense how desperate someone is and how bored some others are. And a lot of scenes became just as entertaining as funny video clips on Youtube. It's quite the different kind of entertainment. Surprisingly when I was not actively seeking anyone, I was much more absorbed into the music as I was truly enjoying my moments dancing and singing. I also had the courage to talk to random cute guys about what they expected to get out the night out. As my curiosity on people's intentions elevates after couple glasses of wine, I would talk to more and more people throughout the night and enjoy every conversation I had and learn something out of each of those conversations. Now that I am single but don't want to jump into any relationships, I still take the observer/ interviewer view when I go out, while guys would be everywhere trying to grind up on me.
My conclusion is: With inner confidence and calmness comes attraction. There is an old Chinese saying: As the flower blossom, butterflies come. I can't help but continue with the logic behind that saying. Biologically, different flowers attract different butterflies; how the flower demonstrates herself will send a specific vibe to butterflies, with which only the butterflies that are attracted to that vibe would fly close and dancing around the flower. Doesn't that also apply to human beings?