I watched this movie Chef, thinking of distracting the confused and upset self with something fun to me. I was surprised to experience some flashbacks from my childhood. In the movie, the 10-yr-old kid Percy was always longing to be with his dad and is willing to do anything for his dad just so that he could be around his dad. That reminded me of how I am willing help him out with anything and bring his anything I thought he would like just so that I could be around him...then flashbacks from when I was 3 or 4 came to me where I was crying so hard everytime my mom leaves me to go to her night shift at the paper factory; or I would beg for my mom to walk me to my kindergarten even if it's not all the way...still remember walking along on the little path through the field, freaking out about the black box on top of this power pole...I must have accumulated a lot of fear of being alone back then. And the lack of attachment with my mom always has intensified my eager to attach to people that gives me a sense of belongingness and comfort and start treat them very very well.
After rationalizing all that, I am even more confused about what love really is now. It seems like I need to resolve these personal issues before I would be able to have a fulfilling relationship that wouldn't be out of loneliness.
