Thinking Out Loud

Really like Ed Sheeran's song: Thinking Out Loud. This one line draws me in every time:"people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe it's all part of a plan..." I strongly believe in "meant-to-be"s myself. Maybe that was why when someone insignificant suddenly enters my life through various different ways, I am always willing to open myself up to them. Sometimes, I almost get too involved too fast before I know it. Do I just have a strong desire to connect to the external environment or is it due to the theory of extroverts who gains energy from being around other people and they need to be constantly stimulated?

I always thought I was very good at understanding what is going on in other people's minds, but now I am stuck myself, wondering what is actually going on in my mind. I have the tendency to treat someone I care about very well and not expecting much back because making other people happy brings me happiness. As time goes by, I start to feel the imbalance in the relationship but at that point, the other person is already spoiled with my ultra-accommodating pattern of behaviour. The most sad part is that I am aware of this pattern and I know I don't want to keep getting myself into the same situation. However, it has told me that what I don't want is exactly what I am getting into every single time. Many of my girl friends wait for guys to work hard on getting them. When it comes to me, I work hard to impress and pursue guys I am interested in. The end result is that I would always be the one impressing others and my girl friends are always the ones to be impressed. It seems super unfair, but REALLY, I got myself into the situation. I am still not truly confident that I am worthy for someone else to work really hard to be able to get anything from me...Even though I hate to admit it, that is TRUE to some extent.

I desire attention and love from someone amazing, which was unconsciously the reason why I strive to improve myself in many aspects of my life...Now it seems that it was a wrong end(purpose) to begin with!

My relapse to the same pattern has been bothering me and confusing me for a while now...After thinking out loud, I think I got it: 

I have lived all my life trying to impress my family and live up to their expectations. I have a deeply-rooted mentality that only when I perform will I gain approval and respect from people I care about. But truly, if people truly love and care about me, even if I don't perform well, the love and care will still stay.